I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Can I color on your dick again?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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