Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
