They should really pass out barf bags in church
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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