My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
