last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
