Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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