oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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