I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
