Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
