my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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