What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just invented taco cereal.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
