Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
