never play flip cup with pint glasses
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
