I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Randomize
