i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
