I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
