I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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