I think scott just propositioned me for sex
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
