she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize