people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Sober January is a disaster.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
