just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
