Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
