I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
