I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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