sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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