When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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