remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
