Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
