Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
