ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
