when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
