were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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