she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
