I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
