Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
