i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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