she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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