Your dad touched me again.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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