your parents love me but you hate me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
