I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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