no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
