I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize