I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I forget how to act sober
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
