Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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