I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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