It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
