just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
