Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
