Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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