My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
