i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
