i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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