Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Randomize
