If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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