a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
