I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
