your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
