im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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