dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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