i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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