It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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